Wednesday, March 23, 2016

"Can You Wrap This Up, Already? We've Got Plans." By The Roaches

We’d like a moment with you. Look, it’s not an exaggeration to say we have an almost complete view of everything you’re doing. We’ve been watching you from cracks in the walls, and from under your desk, and from inside every single cupboard and closet you own. If you actually knew where we were, it’d probably freak you out a little. Heh.

Anyway, that’s not the issue. The real issue is you folks are circling the drain, and we all kind of know it. You’re done. It’s not a question anymore. You see that, don’t you? Nuclear missiles pointed at everyone, and all you want to do is elect the loudest, most aggressive idiot to have the codes. It’s weird, really. The whole goddamned planet is rigged to blow, and you’re throwing lit matches at it.
Whatever. We’re not shrinks. You be you, humans. No judgment.

But here’s our point: Could you just go ahead and torch yourselves already? Because we have stuff to do with the place.

We have a whole plan set out: A couple million years of evolution, upgrade the ol’ noggins, grab six sets of opposable digits... Then get right to the basics: The wheel, waterparks, planes, and probably some crap with computers. Maybe less porn and religion than you guys. That always felt a little excessive.

You’ve done what you were going to do. None of you are going to Mars. You’re not even going back to the Moon. As explorers and inventors, you’ve hit the wall. You’ll crap out a few more reboots of 80’s movies, change your facial hair a few times, and then Poof! Probably by nukes, or maybe an environmental collapse. But you’re not building space colonies, and you’re definitely not getting raptured.

What does it matter to you whether it happens in 20 years or, say, this afternoon? Do you really, honestly need to stick around long enough to actually see Charlie Sheen’s drug-induced death? Or the dog mess Trump’s going to make of the presidency? Couldn’t you sketch that out in your minds already?

You’re not using the corner office to accomplish anything, so maybe give the next guy a shot now rather than later. That’s all we’re asking. One of you guys said the meek shall inherit the earth. Well, here we are. Nothing meeker than a roach. And we are ready to do some inheriting.

Close this down now while you still have a little bit of dignity. It’ll be better that way. And don't worry about your dogs. We'll just eat 'em.

Bye for now.

TRUMP TALES OF TERROR is about ugly creatures, murderous fantasies, and apocalyptic worlds – and they’re right in America. YOU CAN BUY IT HERE.


  1. Ain't it the truth.

    While Donald Nero and the rest of the GOP fiddlers ARE very entertaining, it should not be forgotten that Rome is burning...

  2. Don't forget the naked mole rats. Apparently they have high resistance to radiation and a variety of diseases. They can chew (slowly) through concrete. Already mammalian, too. They might give the roaches some competition.

  3. A fun story! Is there any hope of humans turning it around? Like me, you seem to want to teach people to SEE reality. But on the brink of an election in which Trump could become our king, shouldn't we be advocating some kind of action?

    In my SF Bay Area suburban neighborhood, a man painted the "Bernie" logo atop his home. That is an appropriate action and the appropriate spirit that ALL of us should be exhibiting now. How could any young person not be excited about the possibility of winning a bloodless revolution just a few months from now?!

    And yet I haven't done shit except send in $10 bucks a couple of times over the last several months. I guess I'm resigned to the masses gradually devolving and then causing us all to suffer. At 62, I just don't want to be one of the living who envy the dead.

    IF you and I could wake people up, Bernie would win by a landslide, because he is the only candidate who is, from a planetary perspective, even remotely sane.

    And how horrible it is to see over half of our voters supporting candidates who treat Earth like an asteroid to be mined and discarded rather than treating it like the living Garden-of-Eden-class cosmic starship it actually is. AND these candidates (Trump, Hillary) just happen to be the same ones who would terrorize, maim, and kill CHILDREN by the hundreds of thousands.


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