Wednesday, March 2, 2016

"I Am Endorsing Donald Trump For President!" By Crystal Meth

Ladies and Gentlemen:

It is not a secret that Big Cris Cristy knows what this country needs. No secret about that, folks, right? I've been all over this place - I mean, everywhere absolutely everywhere. I have the Midwest locked up. LOCKED UP. You are not going to find any mother who absolutely understands people in the heartland, the American heartland like I do so don't even try. You want answers, you'd better come to me! I've thought about this much, much, much more than you have.

I am the best. Donald Trump is the best. America is the best. See?

And I'm saying he is the man who has absolutely got this election figured out. They can't even touch him, okay?! They're playing checkers with him, and he's pulled out all the wires on one of those supercomputers they keep at NORAD and reworked it so it's an artificial brain that calculates how to whip Deep Blue at 3,545 chess games simultaneously. And when we get DT into the Oval he's going to secure this whole country, maybe even the entire hemisphere, because Canada is right up there for the taking, and rebuild the infrastructure, retrain us for jobs, reconfigure the communications network so the goddamn cable doesn't go out, tag and brand all the terrorists - I mean, ALL OF THEM THEY'RE NOT EVEN GOING TO TRY ANYTHING DON'T EVEN WORRY ABOUT IT.

And then we're going to stab Shit Jimmy in the neck with a screwdriver, because he's the one who took the copper wire.

America's going to be great again. America's going to be beautiful again. America's going to be the land of the free and the home of the brave. I mean exactly that. Exactly that. You ever really listened to our songs? And our stories? They're about a real place, and it once existed, and with Donald Trump there that place is going to exist again.

Why don't we win anymore? Do you ever wonder that?

America's going to be the kind of place where you can walk into a Shoney's, and everybody is white, okay? I said it. White. I'm not a racist. Shit Jimmy is half something and he's my best fucking friend. So don't look at me like that.

People want to say that Trump doesn't know about the issues, because he has no experience. No political experience. But that's the bad kind of experience. It gets into your head and screws up your values, so you don't know what you're doing or whether the cops are hiding behind the bathroom air vent. Trump has real experience. He's the smartest, most successful man in the world. Because he believes in himself. And he believes in this country, and he knows we deserve to be on top again. No matter what we did to get here.

We're still human beings, okay? Most of us never owned slaves or anything.

I SAID DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT.

Vote Trump!

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