Monday, March 21, 2016

"We Can't Let A Madman Have Nuclear Weapons. Unless He Wins Enough GOP Delegates."

What's up? It's me, every Republican you know.

Remember that time when I spent, like, 15 years justifying torture, mass surveillance, and some wars that didn't turn out so good for us? And the only reason I gave you - the thing I repeated so many times you can recite the exact words and hearing them causes you to actually get a facial tic now - is this:

We can't let a madman have nuclear weapons.

That was the go-to excuse for all those dead people, right? Yeah, well... it turns out there's a wrinkle.

See, normally we really shouldn't let a madman have nuclear weapons. That is absolutely, completely unacceptable almost all the time. But if the madman gets 1,237 Republican delegates then there's nothing I can do about it.

Sorry. Maybe I should have made it clear.

I'm not saying I want a madman to have nuclear weapons. Believe me. Especially if that madman seems to support Planned Parenthood. I just can't take the chance on a third party candidate. That would be a real worst-case scenario.

If you want to talk about sending a few hundred thousand 20 year-old Americans somewhere I've never heard of to get shot to pieces for reasons that seem kind of sketchy, I'm your huckleberry. I just have to support my party's nominee. There are limits.

Blow up someone's house in a drone strike? Done. Stuff a dozen people into some cellar where the CIA can play with their genitals? Sounds like a party. But anything that allows Hillary to be president is off the table. Madmen having nuclear weapons is bad, but it's not "keep Obamacare" bad, you know?

It's really about values, I guess. My ultimate, bedrock value is the security of our nation, even against threats that might not exist, and even if it means we have to do ugly, terrible things that betray everything that made this country good and decent, just as long as none of it inconveniences me personally. So this coming election I'm going to have to hold my nose and vote for getting destroyed. I have to be me.

Hey, it's not like you guys don't support imperfect candidates, am I right? Hillary Clinton might not actually start World War III like our guy almost certainly will... but she did that Benghazi thing they're always talking about on Fox. Plus she's a woman. We all have to make sacrifices.

Okay. I've said my piece. You understand that I'm basically still against madmen having nuclear weapons. That's the important part. And if it weren't an election year, I'd want to do something about it. But right now you're on your own, trying to save the human race from extinction. I'll just have to sit this one out.

We cool?

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  1. It also sums up the Republican establishment: Trump is totally unacceptable -- except compared to anyone who is a Democrat. World War III is one thing, but losing an election, well, you've got to have your priorities!


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