Thursday, April 7, 2016

"Mississippi Always Sucked," By A Dinosaur

Hey, everybody! Triceratops here. How are you people? Jeez, this place is different. Coming back here is just... just weird. It's like everything is kind of where I remember it, but it's all smaller, you know?

Anyway, you guys are running things now. That is awesome! Thumbs really worked out for you. Except in Mississippi, right? Oh Lord, I saw all that stuff in the news the other day, and I thought, "Of course it's Mississippi. Of course."

Listen, I lived here 68 million years ago, and that place has always sucked. A nasty, ignorant, hateful little corner of the continent. The best part of the Cretaceous was when Mississippi was underwater, and even then it was racist as hell. I'm serious. They had racist algae down there. How is that even possible? Piles and piles of single-celled organisms - the oceans were teeming with them, right? - none of them reproduce sexually, and somehow they still hate gay people there. Ugh, what a place. People like me generally avoided it.

I bet that during the time of the Pangean supercontinent, the little swatch of it that was going to be Mississippi was somehow terrible. And I honestly think it won't ever change. They don't want to change, you know? I am literally an extinct species, and I feel sorry for the backwardness of folks in that state. How sad is that?

They say that asteroid was aiming for it, you know. Missed by about a thousand miles - which isn't that far, considering.

It's like a goddamned rash that won't go away. I bet after the planet falls into the sun, the place where Mississippi hits will turn the radioactive plasma bigoted and messed up.

Well, good luck guys. Just keep clear of it if you can. Say hi to the creationists for me.

TRUMP TALES OF TERROR is about ugly creatures, murderous fantasies, and apocalyptic worlds – and they’re right in America. YOU CAN BUY IT HERE.


  1. You realize this comes across as less about substantive concerns for gays or black people and more about visceral disgust for all things Southern, right? I mean, I can certainly understand. I live in the South. But hatred isn't more noble coming from you than it is from them.

    1. I do realize that. Visceral disgust is exactly what's called for, snowflake.

      "Society needs to condemn a little more and understand a little less." John Major said that about the IRA, and I think it fits when discussing neo-Confederates.

  2. Dinosaurs? In Mississippi? I thought Mississippi was only 6000 years old.

  3. Dinosaurs? In Mississippi? I thought Mississippi was only 6000 years old.


Related Posts with Thumbnails