Saturday, October 29, 2016

"Bitch, please," By Hillary Clinton

(Note: Conspiracy Hillary is the Hillary who controls the weather and manipulates elections and currency markets. She appears whenever two right-wingers gather in her name. She is everywhere, and it's even possible that she's real.) 

OH MY GOD, what just happened? Did the big, bad FBI man go on the talky-tube and tell everyone he had more emails? MORE ACTUAL EMAILS? No one knows what they say, or what they mean, or if there's anything to them, but now the Trumpkins are braying like idiots at their rallies, and the folks over at Morning Joe's coffee house are wetting their pants. Even Paul Ryan is furrowing his cute little brow and saying it's serious.

Oh, my stars this is the end! What will I do? What? Will? I? Do?

Bitch, please.

I started my career getting accused of murder. Honest-to-God, no-fooling murder. I've been attacked for killing off Navy SEALs, rigging the election, controlling the media, and hiding a debilitating illness while I help global bankers take over the country. Those pasty man-teats at the Republican party have been combing through my wastebaskets and trash bags for 25 years, and you know what they got? Paper cuts and an appreciation for how well I can slap a fool who raises his hand to me. And not much else.

You ever seen Trey Gowdy wrapped up in a snuggie, crying and watching The Last Unicorn after a nasty day when the press corps ate him up? I have. Hell, I have video of that. Don't ask me how.

My point is: This is nothing. It's nothing compared to what I've gone through, nothing compared to what I have on my opponent, and nothing you don't already know. Even the Bureau jackass who started this can't actually say there's something to it.

Is there a single human being in America who wasn't aware that I had an email scandal attached to my name? I'd like to meet that person, because I'd be fascinated to see the concrete bunker where he's been living.

My people have made up their minds, Trump nation made up theirs a long time ago... and any operative in the game can distract undecideds with loud noises and shiny objects. I have a bad news cycle to deal with. Maybe a couple. But if you think Hillary Rodham Lucretia Clinton can't control a narrative, deal with a tough ground game, and then hold some orange idiot's combover-crusted head under the water until he stops kicking, you haven't been following current events. (Not literally under the water. That comes later. Right now, I've got an election to close out.)

Comey's coming for me?

No. I'm the one who knocks.

Tread lightly, children.

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  1. Brilliant use of 'I am the one who knocks'.

    1. Thanks. I feel like we should all be working Breaking Bad into our daily conversations more.


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