Saturday, October 15, 2016

Donald #Trump Confesses To Bank Robbery

Donald Trump's on a video bragging about all the stuff he's accomplished, and naturally the conversation turns to bank robbery.

"Yep, I've totally knocked over some banks," he says. "It's easy. No one minds, when you're a star."
You can see Billy Bush on the video chuckling appreciatively.
Later Trump is running for president, and this video surfaces. Some of his supporters pretend to be shocked. Some say this bank robbery confession is just "guy talk." One or two actually defend taking money from a financial institution at gunpoint.
"It's not even a felony," Ann Coulter tells Hannity. "What kind of liberal bullshit is this?"

During the next debate Anderson Cooper confronts Trump about it.

"I made crude statements, and I apologized," Trump says.
"Did you rob any banks?" Anderson asks.
"This is guy talk. Everyone knows about what this is."
"Yes, but did you actually rob any banks though?"
Trump pauses.
"No."

Bank managers across the country check their records. Many uncover unsolved robberies where an orangey troll-like figure entered the facility in question, disabled the security cameras, and made off with thousands of dollars.

It's pretty convenient that you're all saying this now, while there's an election going. That's the argument from Trump supporters. The bank managers explain that Trump's famously litigious and powerful, and they didn't think they'd be believed.

"We're coming forward now, because now he's on video bragging about it," they add. "He's actually bragging about the crime witnesses say he committed."

Trump supporters are not convinced. Trump says that the bankers themselves are part of a global conspiracy against him. He says they're ugly as well, which seems excessive.

But some people start noticing how often Trump would talk about how "sexy" felony robbery is. He seemed obsessed with it.

"No one is braver than a guy who robs banks," he wrote in Art of the Deal. Trump surrogates say this is just evidence of his "colorful" style.

"I think bank robbery isn't a real crime, y'know?" He's on video from Season 3 of The Apprentice telling a contestant this. His surrogates say this is because he's "not PC."
Staffers at his company come forward with stories of Trump mapping getaway routes, checking the FBI website, and telling people how much he liked the film about John Dillinger. That doesn't convince his supporters either. At this point Paul Ryan admits that the Republican nominee is "probably a wanted criminal," and says he won't run with him, speak for him, or lend him money... but then says he's still endorsing him for president.

More bank managers come forward. A lot more. Their stories are different, but they all involve Donald Trump. None of these people have a reason to lie. And bank robbery, let's not forget, is a crime.

How many will we see? Let's find out.

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5 comments:

  1. ""No one is braver than a guy who robs banks," he wrote in Art of the Deal."

    Okay, taking this out of allegory, what exactly did he say in The Art of the Deal?

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  2. This post seemed silly, then I remembered that holy shit Trump actually has robbed banks. He's borrowed millions from them and then screamed, ducked and sued his way out of having to pay them back a single cent. Stealing thousands at gunpoint seems tame by comparison.

    (Great post by the way.)

    ReplyDelete
  3. When I first read about the pussy grab story I thought Billy Bush must just be some TV personality who had an unfortunate surname. I later learned ANOTHER GODDAMN BUSH. For the sake of clarity, and I think they should want to do this, Everyone who is a Bush, but not a BUSH should change their name. Pick one from your family, or just one you like.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I agree. This makes sense as a policy.

      Delete
  4. i cannot believe it that it happened if this happened than it should have been in the list of biggest robberies in the world funklist

    ReplyDelete

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