Tuesday, October 25, 2016

"I'm The One Behind #Wikileaks" By Hillary Clinton

(Note: Conspiracy Hillary is the Hillary who controls the weather and manipulates elections and currency markets. She appears whenever two right-wingers gather in her name. She is everywhere, and it's even possible that she's real.)

Hey, guys. How about this campaign, huh? What a ride! Sure there were a couple of bumpy moments. But we're on our way to the big seat now, and Donald Pumpkins ends this thing hawking gold coins on cable. Sad! Ha.

Anyway I'm behind Wikileaks. I'm the hacker, bitches. I did it, framed the Russians, and then I had Katy Perry deliver the thumb drive to the embassy for creepy ol' Whitesnake to put on his website while he fends off charges. (Is Julian Assange terrifying to look at, or what? I don't want to judge men by their appearance, but that guy seems like he ought to be giving candy to kids near a bus station men's room.)

Some of you are shocked. You shouldn't be. Give it a think, and consider what it gets me:

1. It keeps the media busy. No matter how badly Donald J. Trump screws up, the guys over at Politico have to keep showing that they're willing to go after me as well, just for balance. It doesn't matter that Trump's talking about rounding up Muslims and starting a war in North Korea; everyone has to spend equal time talking about how I coughed last week. Is that fair? No. But nothing is fair for a working girl. Anyway, getting a big pile of stolen information out in the open keeps them scrambling to publish one story after another... and I already know what the stories are going to be. See how that works? Kind of disappointed you people missed the angle. But you don't get to be Commander Nasty without thinking a few moves ahead.

2. It makes the Trumpkins crazy. The worst thing for a conspiracy theorist is to discover an actual fact. They go insane over it. It's like chumming the water around a few dozen tiger sharks. You give them a little bit of detail, and what happens? They're out there on Twitter and Facebook trying to convince their friends and family that every time John Podesta had a conference call it was so he could help the Fed put tracking chips in your Lucky Charms. They sound angry and unhinged, and the fact that their niece with the big H on her profile doesn't care makes them even more angry and unhinged. Nothing sells a seventh Clinton term like Trumpkins frothing and ripping their hair out.

Did I say seventh term? Just kidding.

3. It makes regular people shrug. Underneath this mountain of evidence... behind all the scoops by all the papers... all the rants, the accusations, the TV gum-flapping, and breathless nothing by that high school friend of yours who thinks Alex Jones is a chubby redneck Jesus... What have you learned? What do normal people take away from all this? They learn that I'm smart, and a control freak, and I'm devious as a squirrel trying to get out of a crawlspace. They learn, friends and neighbors, that I'm a politician. But regular people knew all this thirty years ago.

So I'm good at what I do, unlike a certain loudmouth who makes all his mistakes with the cameras running. More and more, his flaws look dangerous. More and more, mine look pretty innocuous by comparison. And comparison is all you have in an election.

Of course, you could vote for Jill Stein, but she also works for me. It's complicated. Anyway, enjoy Halloween, and we'll chat again in November. I think when this is over I'm going to have the NSA break into Trump's channel so I can watch it for free in the Oval. He is not well, and it's sort of entertaining. It's almost as if I'm producing a reality show, and he's the star. Or the victim. And either way, he doesn't have a clue. It's almost like that, I said. It's not what I'm literally doing. Promise.

Be seeing you.

TRUMP TALES OF TERROR is about ugly creatures, murderous fantasies, and apocalyptic worlds – and they’re right in America. YOU CAN BUY IT HERE.

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