Tuesday, November 1, 2016

A Message To Third Party Voters From Donald Trump's Next Supreme Court Justice

Hey guys!

I wanted to take a break from my evening prayer battle and really, really say how much I appreciate the work you're doing for President Trump and me. The vote is getting close in places like North Carolina and Florida, and it looks like you're giving us that tiny extra edge to win this thing. This will be great for the team, but also for America, because when I get on the bench I can bring the kind of Kingdom Now Dominion Theology to my rulings that the Founding Fathers wanted us to have.

We probably don't agree on everything. Many of you are left-wing progressives, and I reject that like I reject the idea that animals have souls and women should be allowed to speak in church. But we actually see eye to eye on the important stuff:

For one thing, we refuse to compromise our beliefs, even if others disagree. You don't think there is any difference between the two major candidates - and I bet plenty of your friends give you a hard time about it, don't they? I know how it is. I want to reverse Roe v. Wade, because I'm certain every vagina contains a literal demon fighting to get out. It doesn't make me popular at parties, but I don't care. And you can bet I never lose sight of how important it is to use my power to lock those little she-beasts up in there! The lesson here is never give in, friends.

We also both take the long view. You're not going to endorse someone you don't fully support, because that just perpetuates all the faults in the system. You'd rather lose the odd presidential election if it means someday you might cause real change. My long-term plan involves putting a tracking bracelet on every Muslim in the Western hemisphere. We're not going to reach our goals in the next year, or even in four. But darn it, we will definitely make some progress. That's a guarantee.

Finally we're tough enough to handle disappointment. Watching Jill Stein or Gary Johnson get beaten will be a bummer, and so will having some of your friends report to Homeland Security for their weekly debriefings. Personally, I was getting ready to have my candidate get erased from the political map. It looks like, thanks to you, I don't have to do that now. But my point is you take the good with the bad.

Anyway, keep being you, folks. I'll definitely keep being me.

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