Wednesday, November 2, 2016

I Do Not Know Which Candidate To Vote For! Also, I Might Put My Penis In This Fan.

We do not have good choices, am I right? This election has been a contest between two bad candidates. It's hard to pick between them! On an unrelated note, I've been thinking very seriously of sticking my penis into a moving fan just to see what happens next.

One of the people in the race has a really disturbing record of cozying up to big business. The other is a secretive billionaire who won't release his financial records at all and seems to be the heavy favorite of Russian intelligence and the neo-Nazi movement. See? This decision is complicated! It's just like the way the blades of the fan are spinning so fast it looks like a transparent disk, so maybe you could put your male member through it without harm.

I just don't know.

One candidate has years of scandals behind her - nothing proven, mind you, but it makes you wonder whether she's up to the job, even though she's the most qualified, stable, and well-prepared person in the entire government, and her opponent has never worked a day in public service, plus he also flies into a week-long spit-flecked rage whenever he finds a Tweet he doesn't like. Which of these guys should have control over our nuclear arsenal? And is charging my cell phone so I can call 911 a good idea? You tell me, smarty-pants!

I guess it comes down to character. But that doesn't clear it up; it makes the choice harder. Option A promises to make US soldiers commit war crimes, wants to violate the First Amendment rights of millions, and says he's going to use the police to go after the press and his political enemies. Option B has emails. Emails I haven't seen! Jeez, this is tough.

Maybe I'll just flip a coin on whether to give the most powerful job in the government to a flawed political veteran or a racist demagogue. And then I'll flip the coin again on the whole penis-in-the-fan thing. What else can I do?

The only thing I'm sure of is I can't vote for Jill Stein or the Libertarians. I'm not an idiot.

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