Friday, November 4, 2016

"REFRESH, worm!" A Message To America From Bondage Dom Nate Silver

REFRESH, you worm! 

You think you've refreshed enough? You're not done refreshing, until I SAY you're done. You're going to keep refreshing until your fingers are red and chapped. Or you'll get the paddle again.

You like the Polls-Plus paddle, don't you? DON'T YOU?

Look at the new polls. On your knees, and look at them! They're just raw numbers, aren't they? You don't know why it matters that figure changed in Indiana - it's not even a battleground, right? BUT NOW WE RUN THROUGH THE MODEL, AND HILLARY JUST LOST A QUARTER OF A PERCENT!

You're trembling, worm. You need the model, don't you? All three versions. EVEN THE NOWCAST. EVEN IF NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THE FUCK IT MEANS!


The model is everything, isn't it worm? Say it's everything. SAY IT.

Some jackass on MSNBC just tossed off a new SurveyMonkey number from New Hampshire, and they have graphics. But you're not impressed, are you? You don't listen to Chuck Todd, worm, do you? It's only one number, and it hasn't even been weighted yet!

Mike Barnicle is jawing about some guy he met in a bar with a goddamned insight? Peggy Noonan talked to her Puerto Rican friend at the store - a woman who might not even exist? Some context-free early voting stats you saw on Twitter?

None of that matters. None. Not until I say it matters. I will paddle you with the Poll-Plus if you disagree.

KEEP REFRESHING.

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8 comments:

  1. I needed that laugh. Marvelous. Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you sir, may I have another swing state poll wobble?

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  3. Polls Plus, Polls Only, Nowcast: the most accurate one is the one that, at this moment, reinforces my preexisting views. The others are dreck, irrelevant, and to be disregarded.

    Refresh.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Turns out our boy Silver had the last laugh.

    Which may be the last laugh a bunch of us will have for a long, long time...

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    Replies
    1. I know! He took so much criticism for being cautious, and in the end there was a big polling error out there. Ugh.

      Good luck, man. Keep your head down. If you make it over the border say nice things about me.

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    2. There are times to run away and there are times to hide and fight from cover. It's not time to run, at least not yet. Oregon - at least the part where the cows don't outnumber the people - is a solid blue state and we don't cotton to no dern Trumpers hereabouts.

      Maw, get me mah shootin' arn.

      Delete
    3. Also... since we're men of a certain age, we understand that 4 years passes quick. If Trump doesn't actually destroy the US, my guess is he may be wearing out his welcome by then.

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