Wednesday, January 11, 2017

"I'm Not Conflicted At All About My Interests," By Donald Trump

Those idiot reporters, right? The clowns have been wrong about me for more than a year now. Wrong about everything. They said I'd alienate Republican voters in the primary with racism and bragging about my dick - it's like none of them had ever met a Republican. They said voters in the general wouldn't buy the conspiracy theories. And then finally they acted like being a woman running for the office was a bonus, and being an old, crazy white guy with no experience and a big mouth was a liability. Jesus.

So now they're talking about all my businesses. How they're "possible conflicts of interest," or some crap like that. They still don't get it.

Listen: saying Donald Trump might have conflicts of interest is missing everything about me. I do not have any conflicts about what my interests are.

Someone has a conflict of interest when there's a job they must do that stops them from grabbing all the ass and all the cash they can get their hands on. That someone is never me. Never.

I came to this town to swindle my hillbilly fans out of their insulin money and seize every multinational by the ankles and shake them until coins jingle out in fucking piles. Absolutely nothing is going to get in my way, kids. Not the Constitution. Not Congress. Not Jake Goddamn Tapper. And certainly not any "thorny ethical issues" or "complicated legal questions that raise eyebrows" or whatever weak, stupid language they want to use to describe it on Slate.

I will fully monetize the Presidency of the United States, strip it down to the nail holes, and by the time those fat hicks in Ohio realize what I've done, I'll be in a gold room in a non-extradition country with a half dozen hookers who all look like my daughter. (Yes, I said it. You keep thinking I'm going to show some shame about this, don't you? You people are adorable.)

Anyway, my path is clear. No conflicts. The only consideration I've got is I also want to make sure I get a sweet war in.

You know what? I bet I can even force them to let me launch one of those drone strikes myself.

"No one has ever done this before," a junior officer will say, nervously, while I push the button on some ratbag village. God, people always say that, and they always think it will stop me.

I can't wait.

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1 comment:

  1. The problem with actual human beings trying to write dialogue - or in this case a monologue - for Trump is that anything they have him say sounds far too articulate to be believable. The moment you have him speaking comprehensible English, you lose verisimilitude.


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