Saturday, February 11, 2017

"I Can't Drive Or Do Foreign Policy After Dark," By Donald Trump

Jared's really been chapping my ass, lately. He got together with Steve and Mattis, and they took my keys to the car and the Situation Room away.

"From now on, whenever you want to go anywhere or call a world leader," he said, "you just have to ask one of us, and we'll make sure you can." He had a really smug smile when he said it too. He gets this tone in his voice I'm some kind of disobedient kid. Then he told me I could do those things "anytime before 6 pm" - acting like he was doing me a favor! I'm twice his age, and I'm the leader of the free world after Angela Merkel. Who does he think he is?

"We just don't want you getting into any more trouble," Mattis said, not looking at me.
"Like with that Australian thing," Steve chimed in.

I realized they'd rehearsed all this. Can you believe it?

"What are you trying to do! I'm your boss!"
"Of course you are, dad," Jared said. "We just want to make sure you don't... get hurt or anything." I didn't know how to respond. It's just so tiring sometimes. But who cares if I sometimes get a little cranky or overexerted and start cursing at one of our allies? It's not like we can't smooth those things over later. Aussies always talk like that to each other. I've seen Road Warrior. They're some bad koalas down there.

"Dad," Jared said. "This is in your own best interest. Otherwise Ivanka will worry."

That did it. He knew just which button to push. I agreed. From now on, if there's a war or I need some fudge ripple from the store Steve has to handle it after sundown. Part of me is relieved. I don't keep track of things as well as I used to, back in the old days, in 2016.

Still, if they think I'm going to stop going on Twitter and threatening Iran just before bedtime, they're in for a hell of a shock. That's my "me time." I'm not giving it up for anyone.

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